Funny Quotes and Sayings


Motivational and Inspirational quotes can get a little monotonous sometimes, so I have added a few humorous and funny quotes and sayings below. I hope some of them not only inspire you, but put a smile on your face as well.

Funny Quote and Sayings
  • You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more? - Chris Rock
  • It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on - Marilyn Monroe
  • I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it - Mark Twain
  • A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on - Winston Churchill
  • That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it - George Carlin
  • I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything - Jarod Kintz
  • If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you - Steven Wright

More Funny Quotes and Sayings . . .

  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile - Billy Sunday
  • I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy - Jarod Kintz
  • When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific - Lily Tomlin
  • When people try and change you for the better, you should let them. That way when you remain the same person despite everything, it can’t be said that you have no one to blame but yourself - Bauvard
  • Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got? - Bill Maher
  • Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means - Henny Youngman
  • Having good intentions isn't enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent - Bauvard
  • I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk - Criss Jami
  • As long as the inability to find clear values in our absurd lives continues to be unavoidable, war and misery and death will never cease to be highly entertaining - Benson Bruno
  • I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don’t - Jarod Kintz
  • I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that - Ellen DeGeneres
  • Two things in life are certain: uncertainty, and I’m not sure about the second thing - Jarod Kintz

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