Humor Quotes


Enjoy the following humor quotes and sayings listed below. 

  • Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea - Robert A. Heinlein
  • I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens - Woody Allen
  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is - Ellen DeGeneres
  • I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book - Groucho Marx
  • The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you - Rita Mae Brown


Humor Quotes
  • I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are - Jarod Kintz
  • Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding - Betty White
  • Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin
  • Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand - Mae West
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane - Steven Wright
  • I don't put up with being messed around, and I don't suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I'm a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references - Robin McKinley
  • I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning - Jarod Kintz
  • I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them - Mark Twain
  • I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong - Benjamin Franklin
  • In politics, stupidity is not a handicap - Napoleon Bonaparte
  • I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married - Jarod Kintz
  • If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? - Steven Wright
  • You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years - Chris Rock
  • When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing - Steven Wright


If you have your own humor quotes, or any quotes you wish to share, please feel free to post them in the "comment" box just below.  

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NOTE: If you would like to add comments on the above article or if you know of any humor quotes, we would be grateful and honored if you shared them with us in the "comment" section below. 


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