Short Clean Jokes


An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”


A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to
take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.

An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to
Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in
Israel for $500.

The man says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure?

That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 


The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testings were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. 

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

 
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her". 

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I would never shoot my wife.' 
The agent said, 'You're not the right man for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes and then he came out with tears in his eyes crying, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." 
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes to be an assassin. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, except that it was to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

 
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "The gun was loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair." 



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