A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun. You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f ** king bike!"
Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach
couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard
for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach were disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"JAHEESUS !" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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