Good Clean Jokes

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”  

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” 

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”  

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, an there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic? 


Before I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray for a man, who's not a creep, 
One who's handsome, smart and strong, 
One who loves to listen long, 
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed, 
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. 
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, 
Massages my back and begs to do more. 
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind, 
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" 
I pray that this man will love me no end, 
And never attempt to hit on my friend. 
And as I pray beside my bed, 
I look at the clown you sent me instead. 

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